Imitation Banks (Loan Sharks)

Arriving in the UK on the latest adventure I was shocked at how inefficiently the banking system seems. Me and my partner had been told it was a nightmare trying to set up a bank account. We got a recommendation from some experienced strugglers to go to Loyds. Turns out this recommendation a bit rough and the experience is worth documenting. I wish I had had a tape recorder.

On entering the bank there is a line on the carpet and a sign that says please wait to be served. So we stand there and look on in dismay with some others at two empty work stations in front of us. A staffer on the trot lets us know;

"There's nobody at that counter you'll have to get in line for the tellers and get served there."

I'm thinking seriously, I can see that! At the front of the next cue we are greeted by helpful experienced teller with a laminated account card. She asks;

"How long have you been in the country?"

“Just a couple of weeks we are moving here for at least two years”

"Do you have proof of address?"

“We have these letters from the national health service”

"Have you got ID on you?" 

“Yes we do”

"We can give you an account now but it won't be a very good one, I suggest you go online and set the account up that way."

"What do you mean by not a very good account?"

"Well an account with credit facilities and a better fee structure"

"We don't really need credit at this stage

"It’s still better if you apply online"

She was nice and somehow we walked out of the building reasonably happy and without an account. A FAIL! My partner and I decided to try another branch and I insist on being a bit more forward the next round.

We walk into a bank and I say plainly in very much the Queens English

"We would like to open bank accounts"

to which the front desk man's response is

"Pardon"

Maybe It’s like he's a coke dealer and he thinks I'm a cop? His superior was standing next to him and there was nobody else in the foyer. Six or seven other bankers had been standing quite some meters away on the carpet to the left of the front counter and had since, maybe at the sight of me and my partner, peeled of to their respective offices. I repeated my statement without rolling my eyes.

"Do you have an appointment"

"No sorry we don't"

"Well you need an appointment to do that"

"We are happy to wait for a time that you are free, do you have anything today"

they looked

"There is no one available today"

“Can we book another day then?”

"You need to do that online"

"What if i'm a little old lady who doesn't use the internet"

"Then you could book a time through the phone"

"But you have a computer here, can we find an open slot together now, it's a lot better for us as we don’t have easy access to these things"

they both have a look on screen and fumble around a bit

"We are busy, the computer only goes to certain. . ."

He can see I’m frustrated now as we both just saw the seven people having a good old watercooler party.

"Can you at least tell us what we will need so that we can avoid coming in without the correct documents"

"Do you have jobs?"

"Yes"

"How long have you been in the country?"

"We just arrived"

"We can't give a bank account to you unless you've been in the country for two years"

at this stage I have both hands down on the counter 

"I have quite a few pounds in my pocket that I don't want to carry around with me, surely we can do something?"

"You'll have to try somewhere else"

He replies in a pressing tone.

I was given completely different reasons as to why they would or wouldn't give us accounts. It's crazy to think of trusting an organisation like that. In a world with 199 trillion dollars of global dept you'd think a little bit of cash might be appreciated.

Any street hack could simply stand outside with an iPad and set customers up with fully functional Bitcoin "bank accounts" on the spot. Arranged a pay conversion service like Bitpay and an exchange with that provides debit cards, say ANX and really that's all you need day to day. You can spend your bits anywhere mastercard is accepted, works internationally with no fees if you deposit 1 Bitcoin on your debit card. Sounds a lot better that being talked down to by stuck up bankers. I can't wait to see homeless guys setting people up with Bitcoin wallets at the front door of Loyds. It would be such poetic justice.

Unfortunately we need a normal bank account to pay our landlord at this stage. So next we went to HSBC, who are getting heat in the media for eliciting tax evasion. They kindly set us up almost straight away, lots of questions, funny colloquial business and not much proof of anything. We had two passports and a letter from an employer stating employment but not specifying pay and guess what. . they gave us 7000 pounds worth of credit.which we didn't ask for.

The word "bank" implies that they hold something for you, but they don’t. They don’t want to hold your cash. Its so ingrained in us that even I'm shocked when they behave in accordance with this. All they do is dispense dept. We should call them loan sharks.

Unfortunately loan hungry banks are much more threatening than Minecraft sharks. The banks are not like our youthful impressions, not like the Minecraft bank, they are much less charming. The truth is the banks are not banks at all, they are only imitating.